6 – Writing this book scared me.

The world sees me as happy and successful. However, only my daughters and spouse and ex’s know that almost daily I blinked through tears of panic with warrior strength and in weaker moments raced to the bathroom to scream silently to control the furies that threatened to unravel me, that often I fought to keep from exploding into oblivion and putting an end to the misery I called myself.

In truth, I have gotten my great-big-huge-wonderful life, but every day since age fourteen I have been scared, sometimes forsaken with only God as my friend, for there were many hours and years that I loathed myself.

Only in joy is there no pain.

It took me sixty years to learn that love wasn’t enough, that the more I loved, the more I hurt. Joy is an oasis of calm and safety. We have no word such as “unjoy.” There is joy and merely the absence of joy. Finding joy is a journey that takes one beneath the lies, the false beliefs, the confusion and the horrors of everyday life.

Happiness cannot be taught because it is a fickle emotion. Joy can be taught because it is merely unveiling what is already within you. Joy is finding the essence of yourself, stripped clean of misconceptions, when you once again meet the real you. We were born knowing joy but soon learned to hide it. The journey to reclaim joy is easy, yet requires surrendering one’s identities, the veneers of vanity, pride, shame, anger, etc. Joy is living without illusion.

Writing this book made me a calmer and stronger person.

Publishing this book challenges me to grow even more.

Much of it was written in quasi confidence for an editor who inspired courage to tell the truth.  Publishing it scares me for I will shatter illusions, meaning my world will never be the same. People who never liked me will suddenly become friends.  People who liked me will no longer trust me, for I’m not the happy-go-lucky-sprite they admired; I am flawed and struggling like them.  Worse than that, I breached the code of a warrior and show my weaknesses.

Coming clean of the nightmare that has been my life, of revealing my shadow self that my bright smile kept all but empaths from seeing, is to turn my world upside down. But vulnerable is the new brave.   Astonishingly, my life is finally the calm wonder and joy I’d yearned for.  Only in joy is there healing.

Only in joy is there joy.

 

 

 

 

Author: Kathryn MacIntyre

Graduated UCSB, Rolfer, Laughter Yoga Teacher, Author of 12 books, ESL Teacher, studying Feldenkrais, motivational speaker teaching joy.

10 thoughts on “6 – Writing this book scared me.”

  1. There are definitely loads of details like that to take into consideration. That could be a great point to convey up. I offer the thoughts above as normal inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you deliver up the place an important factor shall be working in trustworthy good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged round issues like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Each boys and girls really feel the impression of just a second’s pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.

  2. Have you ever thought about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and all. Nevertheless think about if you added some great images or videos to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with images and video clips, this site could undeniably be one of the very best in its niche. Terrific blog!

  3. I truly enjoy reading through on this web site, it has got good posts. “One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.” by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

  4. Pingback: Google
  5. After looking over a number of the blog articles on your web site, I
    truly appreciate your technique of writing a blog.
    I book-marked it to my bookmark site list and
    will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my website as well and tell
    me how you feel.

  6. Hello, i feel that i noticed you visited my weblog so i came to go back the want?.I’m
    attempting to in finding things to improve my website!I guess its good enough to make use of a few of your ideas!!

Leave a Reply to Tod Vogelpohl Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *