13 – Shame to Wisdom

— I was frustrated with being depressed and thus decided to see if processing up through the emotional levels might lighten my mood. Not only did this technique work, it articulated things bothering me. It was grand to watch myself grow positive slowly, almost organically (meaning no drugs — other than coffee and sugar — and no harping “must be positive or I will die” histrionics).

The process took an hour, but could be done while driving, walking, exercising, cleaning house, cooking, etc.

Shame is not wearing sandals because your toes aren’t painted.
Shame is apologizing or not going out in public because you don’t have on your makeup.
Shame is avoiding friends and family because you’re not your normal joyful self.
Shame is feeling stupid/mean/ungrateful/panic that you who are an “expert” on joy keeps getting sucked down to depression.
Shame is believing you must be always at your best or you’re letting yourself down.
Shame is wanting to quit, disgusting yourself because you know you have so much yet to live for and contribute to the world.

Guilt – I feel guilty that I have so much and am not happy.
Guilt – I am wasting precious minutes being glum and dispirited.
Guilt – I am letting down those who love, like and trust me, even more those who need me.
Guilt – I am letting down myself.

Apathy – Who gives a fuck?
Apathy – If I can’t have joy I’d rather be dead.
Apathy – You can judge me, I can judge me, but God/Universe/Spirit doesn’t.
Apathy – It really doesn’t matter how much I bounce around spreading joy, negativity will still pervade.

Grief – I miss China and feeling adored, conscious I was making a positive impact on 200 students’ lives every day.
Grief – I miss living an outrageously bold life in a strange world.
Grief – I miss being part of a team of great teachers who also loved working in China.
Grief – I miss Darryl Goodridge living in our home.

Fear – I am afraid I’ll never be that happy and joyful again.
Fear – I’m afraid that my negativity and anger and frustration will undermine this marriage.
Fear – I’m afraid I’ll do desperate acts that I will regret in an effort to pull me up from this funk.
Fear – I’m afraid that I’ll make myself sick with this negativity.
Fear – That I’m missing opportunities due to be negative.

Desire – I want to be happy.
Desire – I want to be happily married.
Desire – I want to live in a house I adore.
Desire – I want to be around positive people.
Desire – I want to spread joy.
Desire – I want to smile and laugh and hug and play games.
Desire – I want to travel and to look forward to returning home.
Desire – I want to make more than I spend.
Desire – I want to be a grandma and see my granddaughter often, really know her and her to know me.
Desire – I want to become a trainer, leading seminars teaching others how to get epiphanies and find joy.
Desire – I want my book JOY IS GENIUS to make a difference in the world.
Desire – I want to be part of a huge positive progressive team that tackles the impossible because they know it is possible, and it’s fun trying.
Desire – I want to live smiling, singing, dancing, joyful which turns working hard into hardly working because it feels like playing.
Desire – I want to feel good about myself.
Desire – I want to lose 20 pounds.
Desire – I want to have vibrantly dreams at night of living in houses I adore filled with friends and family who are laughing and enjoying themselves.
Desire – I want to wake up eager to jump out of bed.

anger – I am so angry that I don’t love my house.
anger – I am so angry that I can’t work in Canada until I get permanent residency.
anger – I am so angry that my husband is not happy living 30 minutes from town.
anger – I am so angry that to remodel the house to what I’d like prices it way above the neighborhood, and my husband balks at the idea of moving.
anger – I am angry that my ideas are questioned especially since I don’t know if they would work until I try them, and frankly, just trying makes me feel better, so to not try frustrates the hell out of me.
anger – I am frustrated that having more than we had in China is not making us happier.
anger – I am frustrated that I can’t solve this dilemma. Maybe I should work in Africa?
anger – I am frustrated that I’m not joyful.
anger – I am frustrated that my frustration upsets others, as though I should shut up and be grateful and accept this is my life, that I’m supposed to fit into their cookie cutter idea of happiness.
anger – I am frustrated that it’s not okay to ask ask ask for what you want, to embarrass my husband for going after my dreams as though he isn’t providing me well enough, isn’t good enough. I’m only unhappy because I feel it’s not okay to bluntly and aggressively work to fix what is not enjoyed.
anger – I’m so angry it’s not okay to be dissatisfied with life and want to make it better even if have a better life than 90% of the world.
anger – I’m so angry that I wasted hours being upset and missed out on enjoying all the beauty of my surroundings.
anger – I’m so angry that I didn’t follow my bliss, and expecting to avoid upset, created upset.

pride – I am an American.
pride – I worked for eight years in China.
pride – I am married.
pride – I have two wonderful daughters.
pride – I am soon to become a grandma.
pride – I am a college graduate.
pride – I have self-published 12 children’s picture books.
pride – I have written a book teaching joy.
pride – When happy, I look younger than I am.
pride – I live in Nova Scotia.
pride – I did a 5-day retreat with Jack Canfield.
pride – I don’t give up.
pride – I have lived 60 years.
pride – That I’m intelligent, well-read, well-traveled and studied many paradigms.
pride – That I’m an amazing speaker, writer, visionary.
pride – That I love learning, growing, being positive.

courage – I was courageous to go to China.
courage – I was courageous to stay 8 years in China.
courage – I was courageous to divorce twice and create lives which brought me more joy.
courage – I was courageous to marry again.
courage – I was courageous to move to Nova Scotia.
courage – I was courageous to get out of bed this morning.
courage – I am courageous to return home when it’s not a place of joy.
courage – I am courageous to search for ways to bring myself up from gloom and doom.
courage – I am courageous to meet up for lunch with a childhood friend who adored my mom, meaning it will bring up bittersweet memories of missing her and times long past when I was happier and had life better than most anyone I knew.
courage – I am courageous to not give up and shut down but to keep asking and searching for ways to turn our house into a home I adore and feel safe in, where I can write and thrive.
courage – I am courageous to smile and be determined to make this marriage be fun, playful, and full of laughter, joy and travel.
courage – I am courageous to keep on going.

neutrality – I am safe even when challenged.
neutrality – I am safe even when upset.
neutrality – I am a good person even when upset.
neutrality – Neither my husband nor I are right or wrong, we just have different points of view.
neutrality – I am safe even if don’t get what I want.
neutrality – I don’t have to have all the answers or vision of what path I am to be on.
neutrality – I am calm regardless of circumstances, the news, my husband not understanding or agreeing with me.
neutrality – Just because I don’t understand or agree doesn’t mean it isn’t perfect; and I don’t need to waste time getting upset.
neutrality – “God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

willingness – I’m willing to reassess every aspect of my life and clean up what isn’t working.
willingness – I’m willing to look at all options.
willingness – I’m willing to have this transformation be fast, easy, and painless.
willingness – I’m willing to manifest a home I adore; a marriage that is fun, playful and full of laughter and joy.
willingness – I’m willing to create a business teaching joy seminars; manifest that my upcoming book JOY IS GENIUS is a New York Bestseller meaning it is effective in bringing joy to millions around the world; my children’s picture books are Amazon bestsellers and read all over the world; my body is strong, flexible and feels good; I am a grandma and see my granddaughter every other month.
willingness – I’m willing to learn how to manifest my dreams, meaning working more effectively rather than harder.
willingness – I’m willing to smile.
willingness – I’m willing to enjoy today.
willingness – I’m willing to return home.
willingness – I’m willing to manifest cheap, easy, fun ways to add curb appeal to my home.
willingness – I’m willing to open my heart to joy even when not liking the situation.

acceptance – I accept that no one is perfect, including me, and that that was never the goal.
acceptance – I accept that the only clues I have are now and feelings, that I can’t change what happened but I can my feelings, and that I am 100% responsible for finding my own joy.
acceptance – I accept that much of life makes no sense to me and that that is okay, it keeps me curious and exploring and it’s not my job to change anyone or anything.
acceptance – I accept that often it takes years to see that what happened was necessary and important as part of my journey this lifetime.
acceptance – I accept that I cannot control most anything and in fact have a hard time controlling my thoughts and habits, yet just by striving to become a better person, I am enriching my life and thriving.
acceptance – I accept that joy is a state of mind, not a reflection external events.
acceptance – I accept that daydreams and imagination are the playground of joy.
acceptance – I accept that I must vigilantly and constantly give myself permission to go there alone by disconnecting from the mayhem and upset of the common life.
acceptance – I accept that while joy is everyone’s birthright, it is not the goal of the majority.
acceptance – I accept that I can find joy anytime, anywhere, for it spawns from the depths of my core.
acceptance – I accept that while anger and pride are warrior actions, warriors are in constant battle for otherwise they are not warriors.
acceptance – I accept that I am bored and tired of killing and being killed, if only metaphorically.
acceptance – I accept that transitioning from warrior to wise is uncomfortable and that I will make many mistakes in my journey.
acceptance – I accept that living life at less than joy doesn’t interest me.
acceptance – I accept that I may drift away from friends and family who do not share my goal.
acceptance – I accept that being alone with joy is more fulfilling and kinder to my mind and body than being with others who are not at courage or above.
acceptance – I accept that I am the only one who can choose where I go.

wisdom – Wise is aloof. It hears all, sees all, judges none, yet has clarity of vision and fortitude.
wisdom – Wisdom is above emotional mayhem. It sees eventualities based on trajectories.
wisdom – Wisdom is in the present tense.
wisdom – Courage, neutrality, willingness and acceptance are usually in the present tense, too.
wisdom – Wisdom is knowing that to be calm, I must make calm more important than being right.
wisdom – Wisdom is guided by the heart.
wisdom – Wisdom is above conflict.
wisdom – Wisdom is when everyone wins.
wisdom – Wisdom is not making wrong those who would rather be right, and not to be sad that they rather be right than have joy, that they have a choice and made one different than me.
wisdom – Wisdom is a child-like view of adult things.
wisdom – Wisdom is stopping and getting through security and to my gate without worrying or rushing.

Hugs and joy, Kathryn
Friday the 13th – April 2018

Author: Kathryn MacIntyre

Graduated UCSB, Rolfer, Laughter Yoga Teacher, Author of 12 books, ESL Teacher, studying Feldenkrais, motivational speaker teaching joy.

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